Is this Love?
by PaleLaurelsBleed
Summary: Akihito is confused and hurt because of Asami's increasingly cold and violent treatment of him. Eventually his feelings gives away to numbness in order to cope.
1. Increasing Numbness

_Nothing matters anymore._

My mouth barely twitched as I felt myself tear. Warm blood started to trickle down my legs, but he kept pounding into me. Mercilessly. Violently. Selfishly. He suddenly grabbed my hair and yanked my head back. A pained groan escaped my mouth, barely audible above the slapping of skin on skin and the grunts escaping from his mouth.

The thrusting picked up pace and became more sporadic. He abruptly slowed to a stop and gripped my hips with a bruising strength as he spilled his seed in me. He released my hips unceremoniously, leaving them to thump on the bed. I didn't dare move from my position on my stomach. He left the bed and started shifting through the drawers, making it feel as if my heart beat painfully slow. Everything felt heavy, even swallowing felt like gravel sliding down my throat. I could feel the sticky substance start to seep out of my entrance. I felt my hand being lifted and heard the _clink_ of the cuff locking. He repeated the action with my other hand.

 _'_ _A deal probably didn't go his way today.'_

I was a bit puzzled that he locked them with different cuffs, until he moved my right hand to my right leg and cuffed my wrist to my ankle. He repeated this on the left side. This resulted with me on my knees with my ass in the air. It forced me to be completely open and vulnerable before him. Completely restrained and unable to resist. Not that I would have anyway. I lost the will to fight back when he becomes like this a while ago. I kept telling myself that he just had a bad day and that everything will get better.

It didn't.

He became more violent each time he came home like this. At first, he just fucked me a bit harder than usual, but it was still somewhat pleasurable. He still cared to make me cum, to feel ecstasy. It progressed to being restrained in some small way while we did it, but later I did not feel the excitement or adrenaline when he retrieved the cuffs from the drawers anymore. I only felt apprehension and eventually fear. But when I resisted, even a little, then I would be punished. Last time I struggled when he cuffed my hands to the bedpost. As punishment, he introduced my back to a whip. It is not something I want to repeat. To cope, I started to mentally distance myself. I do not cry out, I barely groan or sigh, I don't resist, and I have become completely impotent. I sometimes wonder whether he really is so self-absorbed that he doesn't realise that I haven't become even a little hard once in at least two weeks when we have done this. But I have come to the conclusion that he actually doesn't care. He cares for no-one except Asami Ryuichi. I know this is toxic, but I love him. Everyone gets frustrated, and sometimes they just take out their anger on the ones they love, right? Or am I just a toy to relieve his stress of the day?

I bit my tongue at the sudden _whack_ of the wooden paddle on my ass. Swallowing the blood in my mouth I turned my head to the side, waiting for the night to be over as my body rocked with each powerful hit of the paddle.


	2. Waking Up

I felt like I was runover by a car. My lip was swelled with a tiny dent where I bit it. My mouth felt like I had a wad of cotton stuffed in it and my throat was on fire. The cuffs had bitten into my wrists and ankles, leaving angry red lines that was surrounded by a bouquet of blue and purple bruises. Blueish finger-marks showed the evidence of my rough treatment from last night on my arms, thighs, lower back and legs. Hell, even the back of my neck had a blue hand with purple fingers imprinted on it. Last night, when the pain became too much with the paddle, I started crying and tried to squirm away. He grabbed my neck and forced my head into the pillow, muffling my cries. He began hitting me with more force, but the blows became less calculated. Some landed on my lower back, some on my back legs, my inner thighs, and hips. Somewhere during all this I fell into the loving arms of darkness.

When I tried to sit up, I cried out in pain. The numbness left my lower body. The pain from my torn entrance shot through my spine. My beat-up legs and ass throbbed. And to top it off I had a splitting headache.

I stumbled out of the bed devoid of his presence, crashing to the floor. My legs wobbled as I tried to stand again. A despair-filled cry slipped from my lips as I defeatedly began to crawl towards the bathroom. I kicked the door shut when I finally reached it.

I gripped the edge of the sink, and pulled myself up. Breathing through the pain I waited for the room to stop spinning and for the hammering in my head to become bearable. My vision became clearer, so I looked up.

Someone I didn't recognise stared back at me from the mirror. It was quite a while ago the last time I stood in front of a mirror, truly looking at myself and not just a passing glance. My hair was definitely longer than I remember it being, my collarbones more pronounced, and I could see my ribs starting to show directly under my collarbones. A fragile thin wrist moved the unkempt overgrown bangs out of my face to reveal dull blue eyes staring back at me. There was none of the fire, the cheekiness, deviance, or even love in those eyes; only greyish-blue orbs with no depth in them, devoid of live and spirit. They became glassy and a stream of tears slipped unhindered out, sliding over my more prominent cheekbones, down my jaw, wetting my neck. I continued to watch as my face remained impassive, my body unmoving and my eyes still dull, continually producing tears that wouldn't stop.

I pulled my gaze towards my body, the purple, blue, yellow and green stark against my pale skin. My eyes travelled from the reflection's neck, lingering on the purple fingertips at the sides of my neck, to the thin wrists gripping the sink, sporting purple and blue bracelets, to the telling bruises around my waist.

I wrenched my eyes away from the mirror and looked further down my body to the spotted flesh on the inside of my thighs. Turning around with my back to the mirror, I looked over my shoulder. The damage of the whip luckily left only faint silver scars, some may be permanent. My lower back and bottom was littered with different colours, and I finally became distracted enough from the pain to realise that the sticky fluid was still inside of me, and slowly trailing down my leg.

I felt used.

I slowly made my way to the shower, frowning as I stepped into the tepid water, resembling the state I was in for the past weeks…no, this began months ago, it is only the last few weeks where I have been most affected, because before he only seemed to become distant and disinterested, but recently he became violent.

I slumped against the shower wall, letting the now-warm water wash away the sweat off my skin, along with the evidence of last night still running down my legs. The water became scolding hot, but I stayed under it, unmoving, allowing it to burn the numbness I have felt for some time away.

I walked out of the shower with more determination and purpose than I had for quite a while. As I entered the bedroom I glanced at the empty bed, causing me to lose the small uncertainty I still had. I pursed my lips and walked to the closet, threw on jeans and a T-shirt and began ripping all of my clothes out of the closet, piling them in a heap on the floor.

I went to my old room to retrieve a suitcase and roughly threw the pile of clothes in it. After I packed the last of my cameras I realised how few belongings I had, especially compared to the huge space of the penthouse. I only had a rucksack on my back, and a suitcase in each hand. I bit my lower lip as I looked at the penthouse for presumably the last time, and gave a soft sigh. I turned my back on the luxury around me and strode towards the door, grasped the knob, turned it, and took my first steps away from Asami, hopefully towards the Akihito who always wore a smile and a fierce gleam in his eyes, not the husk I have become.


	3. Help

After leaving the penthouse I walked towards the train station. I couldn't believe I slept almost the whole day away. The sun was already setting, its magnificence marred by the blocks of man-made structures we build to feel safe. My progress was slow, the sky was being gradually drained of its colour, turning from blue to pinkish and yellow to navy blue. I wasn't anywhere near the train station, and my hands began to ache from both the weight and the cold seeping in through my gloveless hands. I cursed myself for disregarding that it was the middle of winter. It may not snow, but I could see my breath vapours escaping my mouth. The weight of all my possessions started to put strain on my already battered muscles. My knees were weak, my hands couldn't stop shaking with the struggle to carry the bags, my lungs were on fire, and I felt like I had run a marathon. It finally became too much. I came to a halt and observed my surroundings. I was near a park. I quickly heaved my bags in that direction, aiming for the park bench. At long last I reached it, and collapsed onto the bench, gasping for breath. Deciding that my pride can be damned, I contacted Kou.

Two rings later, _"Hi Aki-chan! How are you? You haven't called all month…are you in trouble again?"_

Too tired to snap at the _chan_ he always adds to my name, I replied, "I…I'm sorry Kou. Everything was just a blur this last month…I didn't realise how much time has passed."

I kept a keen eye on my surroundings, wondering if behemoths in black suits would appear.

 _"_ _Uh…Aki? Are you still there?"_

"Huh, oh yeah. I was just lost in thought for a moment," a nervous chuckle escaped my throat. "Are you busy? Do you have a girl at your place?"

 _He scoffed. "No to both questions. Why?"_

"Something hap-happened," my voice cracked as reality caught up to me. I _left_ Asami. I left _Asami._

 _"_ I don't know where to go. Could I stay at your place for a while? I promise I'll try to get my own as fast as possible," I quickly added.

 _"_ _No! You can stay as long as you like. When are you coming over then?"_

"I was wondering if it would be possible to come pick me up?"

 _"_ _All right, where are you?"_

When I told Kou the address, he whistled.

 _"_ _Like in Shinjuku? Wow, when you said your girlfriend is rich, I didn't think she was_ _ **that**_ _rich."_

I became silent as I struggled to keep my composure. Tears were threatening to spill, and the cold didn't help.

 _"_ _Hey, Aki? You went mute on me again…you know I was just teasing you?"_

"Yes, I know." I signed.

 _"_ _I'm almost there. I'm going to hang up now. See you in a bit."_

"Thank you, Kou," I whispered then heard the beep.

I shuffled in my seat, rubbing my hands, blowing warm vapours on it. Looking forward on the inky blackness of the night, I tried to ignore the worried glances Kou sent my way.

"Aki? Did you and your girlfriend have a fight or something?"

"Something," I replied with a grimace.

Kou was silent for the rest of the ride. When we arrived at his place he helped me carry my bags into the house. I could see the wheels turning in his head when his offer to carry my bags was met with no protest. I was just too tired. He pulled out a futon and left me to set it up in the living room while he made hot chocolate for us.

I shrugged out of my jacket just as Kou entered the room with our hot chocolate. I didn't notice him until I heard a gasp as I pulled my shirt over my head.

I spun around, wondering what could have happened when I saw Kou staring in horror at me. The colour drained from my face as I realised he could see all of my bruises and scars. I snatched my long sleeved pajama shirt and pulled it on, hoping he didn't see too much.

Concentrating on a stain on the carpet (which was there because of my drunken carelessness at a party once) I waited with bated breath for Kou to break the silence. I flinched as a hand suddenly touched my arm, the hand moved away and hovered above my arm for a fraction of a second following my reaction. It tentatively settled back on my arm, causing me to look up. Kou wore a slight frown and his eyes were serious.

"Aki…what happened to your wrists and back?"

When he was met with no answer, he inquired again, "Who did this? Did one of your scoops get out of hand? Were you kidnapped again?" The pitch of Kou's voice raised higher with every question, his hand on my arm tightening a bit.

"I stopped taking scoops months ago, Kou. I only did basic news coverage the last few months. You don't have to worry so much, I'm not in any trouble," _I think._

"But then who-"

"I'll explain everything in the morning. There's a lot I need to tell you, but for now I don't want to talk about it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Don't worry about me." I gave him a smile I hoped would look carefree, but he still looked doubtful.

He thankfully didn't press me to talk, and we drank our hot chocolate in silence. The first to make a sound again was Kou, asking if I wanted to play video games with him. I nodded enthusiastically, feeling the numbness that has encased me for so long, slowly chipping away.


	4. Asami

Have you ever seen something pretty, something _cute,_ and just wanted to squeeze it? Crush it with all your might until it is barely recognizable from what it was before?

Have you ever met someone so naïve and innocent, and insufferably optimistic, that you wanted to stain that innocence? Steal that naivety? Break their optimism with a dose of reality?

I had that feeling when I met Takaba Akihito.

He was _cute_ with his boyish looks, being 23 he still looked like a teenager. His rebellious spiky blond hair, his feminine build, unusual greyish blue eyes, those plush lips…adding the snarky attitude, he was unbearably cute and _naïve_. Seeing life as a game, and not as the constant war it is. Always trying to look to the positive outcomes of a situation, or trying to use humour as a shield.

When he jumped off that building the first time we met, only to stick his tongue at me, mocking me for not catching him, _I knew_. I knew I would enjoy breaking this brat's spirit, seeing that cheekiness turn into fear, humiliation, shame and pain. I wanted to be there for every second when he would crumble. I longed for it.

So I arranged for his kidnapping. I had my fun for three days, torturing him, seeing the fear in his eyes when I threatened to send the photos of him bound, naked and aroused to his publisher; I saw the humiliation when I forced the canisters into him; I saw the shame when he felt pleasure while being raped by a man. I saw pain, but somehow it was not satisfactory. It was always mixed with pleasure, it wasn't raw pain.

With time that urged dampened, as I saved him from Hong Kong and almost did see that light die in his eyes. Without realizing it, I had let myself _feel_ for him. I even let (forced) him to live with me. I didn't want to squeeze, or crush, taint, destroy or mangle him anymore. I wanted to protect his light. Cherish it. But that was before. Before that photo. Before his betrayal.

When I saw that, all those old feelings came back tenfold. And this time, I didn't hold back.


End file.
